If only.

Here it comes. In less than 2 hours, I will have 15 days to make my decision. I will choose a graduate program. I will choose where I will be living for 2, potentially the next 6 years of my life (if I am so fortunate). My choice, will in many ways define me... whether I like it or not. It will tell you what comes first.

I worked so hard in highschool. I fast tracked, took everything from Calc to writer's craft. I wanted to keep all my options open. I applied to 12 university programs. I got into all of them... ranging from biology, to Kin, to psychology, to concurrent ed. It was hard work, but I wanted to go to university.

And then I went to university. And I worked, and I worked and I worked.

I've always talked such a big game. Academics. Duh. That's what came first. Academics, to thee I do wed. I did undergrad, and I did it well. maybe even better than well. I put my heart and soul into my program, and I made the absolute best of my education.

But things were sacrificed. Including social times, parities, my love life, travel, knowledge of things unrelated to psychology, Independence, sleep, and at times, my health and sanity. But I tolerated the sleepless nights, the Friday homework fests, and my time (often working 2-4 jobs year round).

There is little in this world that I am more proud of than my education, for which I have worked so hard to afford, and to advance in. And in many ways, it does define me. It is my greatest accomplishment.

However. I wasn't always happy. I wasn't happy, because I lost out on some things, that I think are very important in life. There has been more than one time, where having time to think was a luxury. And in December, I made myself a promise.

I promised that after undegrad, enough was enough. There are other things in life... other things I want to do and explore. It can't always be just about psychology... for there are far too many glorious things in this world. Things I want to do, and experience. Of course psychology is my passion, but I am passionate about many other things too. Things I haven't been able to explore.

And now, more than ever, I find myself questioning my allegiance to psychology.

How far am I willing to go... in the name of psychology? How far am I willing to go for an education? Will I leave my family, when they need me most? Will I leave the people I love? Will I take the debt, in the name of higher learning? Will I live a billion miles away? All in the name of psychology.

Or do I stop listening to my head. And start listening to my heart.

I make good decisions about academic related things (usually). I always have. But I don't always make decisions that make me happy. I did them... so that I could be happy. So that one day, I could do what makes me happy.

What do I believe will make me happy? I want to be a graduate student in psychology -who wishes to be no where else in life, other than exactly where she is, in every respect.

The answer to "what do I want to be when I grow up" has always been... Happy.

I guess the question that remains... is...

Where do I go, to make my dreams come true?